Body Shame, and the Beginnings Of My Shirtless Journey

 I have always been interested in shirtlessness, even from a young age. I just never did it myself, and I think there were a couple of reasons for that. 

As I child, I was small, and I thought I was too skinny. In retrospect, I was completely normal, but I didn't think so. 

My father was frequently shirtless, and encouraged me to be, a lot. But I didn't like my father. He was mean, had a volcanic temper, and I never felt as though I was the boy he wanted me to be - I was bookish and quiet, not into sports or being rough and tumble- not a boy-boy, at least probably by his estimation. He even used to goad my cousins to tackle me and shove me around to "toughen me up".

He's much better now.

The point of that is this: I didn't want to be like him. At all, in any way, shape, or form. So I covered myself up, and stayed that way throughout my childhood. He didn't understand why.

Also, I felt exposed and vulnerable for some reason.

Despite the fact that I wanted to cover myself up in a metaphorical burka, I was jealous of and fascinated by shirtless men. I grew up in a college town, so I made excuses to go to any sports facility to watch the players to see if they took their shirts off. When they did, it was fucking intoxicating. 

I also perused magazines and such to satisfy my curiosity, such as the Sears Catalog and Tiger Beat (I grew up in the 70s and 80s). Two things that threw my hormones and my shirtless interest (as well as my self discovery as a gay kid) into overdrive: Jim Palmer in a Jockey Underwear ad, and an actor called Jon-Erik Hexum, who sadly died young.

On a somewhat unrelated note, it also gave me a lifelong lust for hairy men. [/tmi]

In my teen years, I worked in a fast food restaurant, and there were the occasional (very few) shirtless customers. Same with the grocery store I worked in later. There was one guy who literally never wore a shirt to shop there.

I'll leave my biography here and continue it in another post, but I also want to discuss something that is an extremely common issue: body shame.

I had it, and now that I'm slightly north of 50, I'm fighting it again. As attractive as I am (I have a pretty high self esteem in many ways, but it sucks in others), I've gained weight. I have a belly, and the beginnings of fat rolls on my sides. I don't like it one bit. Oddly, though, I'm starting to be attracted to guys with a little more weight on them, and this is reflecting in my porn viewing habits. I like it, but not on me.

Body shame is, well, a shame. There are many factors that contribute to this - the media, the entertainment industry, the fashion industry, etc. We have completely unrealistic expectations of what is attractive and acceptable and everything else. It's bullshit, and it contributes to so many problems, a couple of them being self-loathing and eating disorders.

We are human. Different body types exist.

 As men, we are unique in that shirtlessness is not illegal (mostly), and that the ability to be shirtless is a privilege (I don't want to get into any debates about male privilege and the fact that women are not allowed to and men are - that's another topic that can be debated elsewhere). We have the right to be shirtless, and as such, we should exercise that right as our comfort allows. Our body types shouldn't matter. We need to learn to love ourselves as we are.

For my part, when I see a shirtless man, I see someone with confidence and a don't-give-a-shit attitude. I see someone comfortable with their body, and I want to be like that. 

Guys have different levels of comfort when it comes to being shirtless, which is something I will address in a different post. Some are fine where they are, some want to take it further. It's all ok.

Stay tuned.